So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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