So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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