It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
