i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
