There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
