I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
