cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
