I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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