Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
