You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
