he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
