The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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