Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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