i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize