I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize