i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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