My friends, they love my intelligence
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
