I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Text me some of your sweat
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
