dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
