Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
