Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
