My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
