TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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