you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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