So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
