i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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