Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
