Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We need a shit load of segways right now
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
