u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
