I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
