I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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