I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
