I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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