8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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