Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize