If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
