I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
