True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
