My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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