i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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