How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
