YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
