i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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