It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
