no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
