I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
