My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
