it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
