just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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