Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize