Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
