I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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