i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
