i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
