That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
