umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
