All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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